So they changed Xanga around, trying to make it "hip"... Xanga is an anachronism.  Embrace it.

I need an outlet.  Writing in a journal takes too long and is potentially embarassing if discovered by others, namely parents and little sisters.  So here goes.

I think winning homecoming and hardcourt and getting money for college was the worst thing that could have happened to me.  i'm so full of myself.  i am lazy and arrogant.

To an extent I blame my dad.  If it weren't for him, i wouldn't have everything taken care of.  i know i should be grateful and whatnot.  but i feel like i don't deserve it, and i NEVER asked him to do it all.  It was something that i should have done.  So thank you, dad.  I feel like I'm made of brass, and if you tapped my chest, all you would get would be an echoing "Dong...." 

He always says how i can't do anything by myself.  But why should i do anything myself, if you'll shove and push me out of the way to do it for me.

Recently i've been trying to live day by day, just doing what i can to get by.  But i've realized, that's not enough.  Just getting by will get you the bare minimum.  Sure, if you lower your standards, things will be easier.  But you'll get proportionately less fulfillment from your life. 

I've also come to believe in the past year that pain, suffering, war, hate, and poverty are beyond my control.  To some extent, it's true.  I can never save the world by myself.  But consequently i've felt like i'm excused from any responsibility to help anyone.  Which is not true.  There are so many things that need to be done...

I spent today reading "A Mighty Heart," Mariane Pearl's memoirs about her husband's murder at the hands of Al Qaeda.  I'm ashamed when i compare myself to her, but she also gives me hope.  She and her husband traveled across the world, searching only for truth, and were willing to die for it.  I've been thinking, would i myself ever do such a thing?  and i'm apalled to say that no, surely i would not.  I'm starting to value my own comfort and security above things that transcend life and death, things like truth and love, justice and righteousness.  I didn't use to be this way.  What's happened?

More tomorrow. 

Term paper rough draft due Tuesday.  That sucks.  I'm not very far on it... at all.  And it would really help if i got a good grade on this, to make finals less stressful.

Mr. Kriebel said that i could write an opinion article for the bullhorn if i felt strongly about something.  If i have time, i want to write one about that Imus guy. 

I need to stand up for myself more.  So often i just laugh when people push me around.  I'm not stupid... so why do i pretend like i am?

I feel like i have maybe two and a half friends.  That sucks. 

I don't fit in my prom dress.  That sucks.  If you see me eating junk food, by all means slap it out of my hands and make a spectacle of it.  Maybe it'll teach me a lesson.  But i've exercised the last couple of days, and it's amazing how much better that makes things seem. 

Final thought: In psychology class, we were talking about intelligence.  We watched a video that showed little kids in an experiment, where there were toys behind a kid, he was instructed not to look at them after the instructor left.  It said that most of the kids looked, and then lied about it when asked.  It said that lying was a sign of intelligence, because the children knew that they would have been punished.  But that bothers me, because i know that as a kid i always wanted to be good, and although i would have gotten in trouble, i would have told on myself.  So is honesty the same as stupidity?  Maybe i just don't want to think of myself as stupid... but it really bothers me adults teach you wrong from right, and then classify as you as an idiot for following their guidance.

Adios, muchachos.  Claire